I’m a horrible parent. Or at least I believe I am. On September 24, 2008, my son took a nose dive out the second story window. I could have prevented this. I should have prevented this. But I didn’t. I failed to protect my child from something that thankfully didn’t kill him.
He’s completely fine. Not a bump or bruise on him anywhere. No breaks or fractures. Everything is perfectly fine. The only proof that I have that it did happen and that it wasn’t a bad dream, like I felt it was, is the ER bracelet that he is still wearing. I’m going to keep that bracelet as a permanent reminder of what I could have prevented. Perhaps that is a little extreme but really I will never forgive myself for allowing that to happen to my son.
I’m blessed that I still have him, I learned what faith was real fast when I thought that I could lose my son just because of my stupidity. Some people say that I am a good mom, others seem to think that I don’t deserve to have my child. That I don’t care. I’m not like traditional parents but I’m not like hippy vegan parents either. I know what I want my son to do and not do. I know what is socially and lawfully acceptable. Maybe I do spoil him but so what. He’s my first born. He’s my sun and moon and without him I can bet I wouldn’t be here.
A lot times I say to people that my son is the reason I am alive and it’s the half truth. In all honesty, if I was set on offing myself I would do it regardless but there this little thing called guilt and how I don’t want to feel like I disappointed anyone and I surely don’t want people to cry for me. I don’t want to cause anymore ripples in the waters than I need to. But Rhys being the reason I’m still living is truth as well because of the fact I know he depends on me. I know that this smart little being that was created out of love is the reason I wake up every morning and thank God I made it through the night.
People often see me as uncaring, but I just learn to let things go. It’s simpler than dwelling on something I can’t help. I shouldn’t care what people think, yet I do.
Department of Children Services is involved with my son’s accident. A report was filed that my son had fallen out of a window and I wasn’t going to take him to the hospital. Cause you know, I’m a stupid parent. Right. I checked him to make sure everything was alright, nothing was protruding from his skin, nothing was bleeding and needed me to call 911. Once that was finished I took him inside and changed his diaper which exploded on impact. He was a mess. We then went to the hospital and sought medical attention. Another call was made and it told that we had just left.
Our case worker Jordan Roberts is a nice lady, explained everything and told me that she wasn’t at liberty to tell me who made the call. I had a general idea who made the phone call and I don’t care. I just hope they never have to go through the hardships that I am going through in dealing with DCS. I am required to have a visit from a caseworker for the next 6 months. Three of which have to be in the home. It’s crazy but such is my life. I don’t understand why people can’t just mind their own damn business and why everyone and their mother has to go through not even get the whole story. Really what the fuck. Do they not understand the whole story?
Maybe I brought this on myself, perhaps I was asking for the attention of the courts. But do I really think that. No. I just think that people don’t know the whole story and that if they were in my shoes for a day they would actually understand that day to day I am struggling to make the best of what shitty hand I have been dealt. I don’t get why things are hard for me. But I have to make due with what I have.
My son loves me and if they were to take him from me, it would probably require me needing psychological care to the point of being highly medicated. I can’t lose my son, which is why I am going to fight to keep him to make sure that I don’t get DCS any reason to take him from my home. Or even make him a ward of the state that has been place in my home. I’m going to comply with all their wishes and see to it that my son has the best. I need my son in my life. He’s my everything.
I don’t want people to think that I am a bad mother, but I do want them to understand that I am not perfect and that I have taken precautions to protect my little boy. I hope that he doesn’t remember his falling out of the window and if he does, then I hope that he forgives me and knows that I love him with my heart and soul.