Zodi Files 5
It’s always a bitch when someone, who is a friend, bitch slaps you with the truth. I’ve recently had a friend who has done that and within just two sentences, I fled from the computer. It was a painful but at the same time it was enlightening to see how my friends see me.
For the most part, it’s all been the same.
They all see through the outgoing, try to shock you where you stand personality and see me for who I really am. And it’s these friends who are actually the ones who mean more to me than the superficial ones who claim to be my friends. People who aren’t afraid to see me cry, whether it’s in person or on a camera.
Many people know that I crave attention like a fish craves water. I like people staring at me because my hair is bright shocking pink. I like hearing them whisper, even if I get a sense of the dreads that it might be negative. I like attention. But I don’t know completely why; because at the same time I hate the stares and the whispers.
It could have something to do with my fetish of being exposed, then again it could just because I have some psychological issue that need to be addressed and I’m not ready to face them. Surprisingly enough, or not so surprisingly, it might just be both of these. Sure I am an odd one, anyone in my family will tell you that. They would easily tell you I will speak my mind and do what I want because that is how I have been since I was a child.
Mom and dad both raised me to march to the beat of my own drum. So I do and with a flair. So I don’t know why it always comes as a shock when people tell me that my crazy hair color, dressing in a way that makes me feel sexy or beautiful. Those of you have read previous my previous Zodi Files know that I am hardly the most confident person in the world. I feel like I have to act confident so that people will try to take advantage of a push over like me.
Okay so I’m not the biggest push over, but I’m easily overwhelmed into doing something.
So I do things to grab attention. My most recent endeavor was dying my hair my favorite shade of pink. Manic Panic Hot Hot Pink. It got the attention I wanted and so much more. Earlier this evening I was told that a close friend’s wife knew that I suffered from more than just seasonal depression and that what I do its just an act to get attention. This hit me in the face like a wrecking ball. I was shocked that she saw through my masks.
I was never completely close with my friend’s wife. She’s always been kinda shy to me, and it’s only very recently that I’ve gotten close to her, more close to her and her husband than I have been in the seven years that I’ve known them. I love them like they are my family, hell, they practically. So it hurt even more hearing the truth, again.
When my friend told me that this is what his wife thought, I was terrified, scared, shocked and wanting to flee. But I tried to keep it together. Blinking back the tears, but it didn’t help. When I thought I had it together enough to tell him verbally that it was all true, all I could do was hold up a finger and flee to go cry in the kitchen.
A few moments later, I returned and my friend asked me if I wanted to know what else his wife thought. Of course I thought I was ready for it, but oh man I totally wasn’t. She thought I was addicted to sex. My friend countered that in my defense and quickly said that it was my way of feeling loved. Again the truth. Ugly as ever right in my face.
However this is where it was a yes it’s my way of feeling loved and no it’s something more than just a psychological reason. I love my husband with all my heart and willingly give myself to him because he enjoys my body and I enjoy his. Yep, I enjoy sex. I like flavoring it up and I’m not overly bashful about what I do. So what if I enjoy it rough, or a little kinky.
Sure my interests are a little weird compared to most, but that is what makes sex enjoyable for me. I like light BDSM. But it isn’t always like that. I don’t always want the kinky flavorful stuff. Sometimes I just want gentle, romantic love making and my husband gives that to me whenever I want.
I know I have an odd sexual appeal that makes people cringe at times but I don’t tell them oh my god you gotta do it this way it’s so much fun. No, that isn’t me. My flavors don’t often appeal to everyone. I don’t push my sex life on to others. I do make suggestions to help open people and I try to make it subtle, but lets face it; I’m a bull in a china shop when it comes subtle. When I make a suggestion it’s often to help a lacking sex life and try and two people who are madly in love with each other to open up and explore that sex isn’t just missionary position.
One of the ways that I used to entertain myself sexually was with my webcam. I had a whole array of people who used to log on every night to see me. Okay well a much more thinner version of me but still it was me. And again this links back to the attention. Sex sells people what better way to get attention then to show your boobies to some perverts on the internet. Was it dangerous? Hell yes. Would I do it again? Absolutely. I did private shows, I did couples. I even watched a couple or two. However that was in my past and I don’t do cam shows anymore is because I am a mother and I have gained a little more respect for myself.
So yeah sex is a way I feel better about myself because I am with the one I love and it makes me feel loved. I don’t crave it, or have to have it every day every hour every second. I’m almost certain parts of me would begin to protest. However there are times I am insatiable. It’s far and few between.
Now to link the two together though I’m sure I don’t need to since I’m fairly certain that it’s obvious. The need to feel loved and wanted is extreme, I want attention and for the most part will or would do anything to get that.