After almost four years, BF and I decide to call it quits. Happy new year to me.
I rang in the new year with an argument and consequential break up. Yet the only one hurting from this is me. As many of you know, boyfriend and I fought a lot, but we always seemed to make it through. Except this time.
Now I have told boyfriend since day one, which was March 17th, 2006 that I didn’t want to get married again. Maybe one day in the far future but I was going through a divorce at the time. It’s a few years later and I still haven’t changed my mind. Boyfriend wants the all American dream. The perfect wife (who I can’t be), two kids (of his own, giving me three), the white house with the white picket fence (something I used to want.) I can’t and don’t want to give him this.
Why? I’m scared. I have serious commitment issues and have for a very long time. I know this and struggling to make things work in my life. A big reason is I never gave myself a chance to heal. Like my mother told me in not so many words, it’s my own fault.
I walked out on my marriage. I was no longer happy, and I wanted to be free. He and I did and said a lot of things we both regret, we’ve since apologized and things are okay between us. Chris is my friend and my son’s father. There is a lot more to this than what I’m dishing up here, but these are things that will remain between myself and Chris.
It was shortly after Chris got on a plane back to Wales that I jumped into a relationship head first like a lovesick teenager. Mistake number one. I should have waited, I should have allowed myself a little bit of time to heal, to get over Chris. But I didn’t. Mistake number two, I moved in almost immediately with boyfriend. Again it goes with the whole healing process. But in moving in with boyfriend I was helping him. His parents, or rather I should say his mother, didn’t like me from day one. The day I moved out to Indiana was the same day she changed the locks and told him “Don’t come home if you plan on being with that girl.”
Okay I get the whole protect the Christian family image. Bf’s father was a Pastor, and it would look bad on them if their son was with a woman who was for all intents and purposes still married and had a kid. Yep, I was the black sheep. I had ostracized myself from my family, moved in with a friend, had my new boyfriend move in as well and was hated by BF’s entire family. This woman would stop at nothing to keep me from being with him, but in the end I won and she just stopped. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So here I am in 2010 and I’m single. This time, I’m going to take my time, allow myself to heal and reflect on the all the good times Zach and I did have. Once he moves out.
That’s right, he’s going to stay here. Awkward? Absolutely. Really he just went from boyfriend to friend+benefits/roommate. This was a mutual agreement. Reasons are simple, he knows that I am not financially stable to make it on my own even though I say I can. I also can’t drive. Obviously this is going to take a top priority now since I have to be able to fend for myself in the real world.
While things are awkward, we seem okay. Most of the time and at least that’s what the facade is that I can front some of the time. You see, while I want a period of healing, and letting my heart naturally fix itself, he’s already looking into another relationship with a girl from down south. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does since the wounds are still so fresh. He tells me about her text messages, which I don’t want to know about. He tells me what his plans are eventually, which I don’t care about. And he shows me pictures of her, which up until a minute ago, was his phone wallpaper. Yep, that’s the part that hurts the most.
This girl is everything I would kill to be. She’s thin, but not too thin, she’s got a great complexion, she’s just that damn pretty. And that is what hurts, though I think it would hurt still if she was just another girl in general, someone averagely overweight. I don’t even feel comfortable doing anything intimate with him because I automatically think to myself, he’s not seeing me. That throws gas on the insecurity fire.
While I know everything will get better in time, I can’t help but to be afraid. I’m scared that I am not going to be able to find someone who will love me, and my son. Thus branding me an untouchable. I’m afraid to be alone, but scared to death of being with someone. It also hurts not having the one person I could rely on the most. My mom. The icing on the cake. When I needed her to tell me, sweetie it’ll be okay, and just give me a shoulder to cry on. She unleashed unholy hell on me. Telling me I couldn’t break up with him because I was afraid I would do to Zach what I did to Chris. That it wasn’t fair, and then going on about everything else that is in my life. I know I wasn’t very nice in telling her that the next time I would want to talk to her would be the second day after never, but I was angry, still am. But it doesn’t make me want my mom any less.
It’s been painful since I’ve been out here, only seeing mom once in a while on webcam and only one visit back home. Sure I should call her a lot more, but I don’t. And there are valid reasons for it. There’s a reason I hate getting voicemailed, it’s because I used to get it a lot with my mom. Mostly because of the fact mom was dating a crazy nut case. But I stopped calling mom in general because I used to get her voicemail.
Eventually I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself, and get over being angry and sulky about the shitty deal I got when I needed a shoulder. But for right now, I’m going to be angry and sulky. I also know that I’ll eventually get over BF. I just need to focus myself and focus more on my son to be a strong, awesome mommy that he sees me as.
I’ve got a lot of friends, real online life friends to say the least, but friends nonetheless who are there for me when I need them. Tim being one of the big ones, distracting my mind when I need it. Several other friends from City of Heroes are there for me as well when I need a few minutes to vent and rant and even cry on their shoulders, so I’ll be okay. I hope so at least.
Keep it real and rockin’