01 Oct

I realize that this blog and my accompanying blog at tumblr have become less and less about writing (though, I still post some things on the subject), and it’s become more about my mental state.  Maybe it’s a way to vent and to get things out that I want to scream sometimes, but thanks to my nature I don’t.

It’s not polite, after all.  I don’t want to be the center of attention.  And, least of all, I don’t want to be tagged with the name “crazy”.  Because I know that would happen.

It’s not the fun kind of crazy where you get into some awesome hijinx and have something cool to tell your friends about after.  It’s the other kind of crazy, where you have to list off what prescription drugs you’re on just to stay “normal”.  Fortunately I don’t rely on prescription drugs, thanks to the fact I realize how addictive a personality I have.

But lately, things have not been well.  I don’t consider it normal to wake up in the morning and have to convince yourself to go to work.  With little encouraging sentences of “it’s just a day, keep yourself busy, it’ll be alright”.  I don’t consider it normal that the first thing I want to do when I get home is cry.  I don’t consider it normal that the only time I feel safe and happy is when I’m back in my apartment.

I never felt like this in Outlook.  And I know it’s more than just “oh you need to get used to your new surroundings”.  Easier said than done.  I knew Outlook, it’s familiar to me.  And it was beyond the fact I worked there for 9 years.  I grew up there.  I went to high school there.  I know most of the people who live there.  My parents know most of the people who live there.  It wasn’t uncommon, even after living there for 9 years, to have someone come up to me on the street or in the grocery store and ask how my parents were doing.

But now, I feel very much alone.  Sure, larger city, a lot more convenience, but it doesn’t feel like home yet.

And I feel like I’m failing at my job.  I feel as though I’d have been better off in Outlook with half time hours.

God, I just wanna cry right now.


Posted by on October 1, 2013 in Life, randomness, Uncategorized



3 responses to “Venting

  1. paigebennett36

    October 1, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Hi there, I am trying to start a blog about people with any form of mental health issue, how it has affected them and any good/bad ways in which they feel treatment has been. I know that this may seem very personal but I would love to hear your story in full and be able to ask you a few questions about it. Please let me know if you would be interested in helping me

  2. Tim

    October 1, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    It’s a possibility. I’ve found that talking about it does help. Which is why I sometimes use my blog to vent.

  3. JustTryingToHelp

    October 2, 2013 at 3:57 am

    That’s great, my email address is paigebennett36@googlemail,com just send me an email and I can talk to you about it. We can discuss as much or as little as you feel comfortable with


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: