I realize that this blog and my accompanying blog at tumblr have become less and less about writing (though, I still post some things on the subject), and it’s become more about my mental state. Maybe it’s a way to vent and to get things out that I want to scream sometimes, but thanks to my nature I don’t.
It’s not polite, after all. I don’t want to be the center of attention. And, least of all, I don’t want to be tagged with the name “crazy”. Because I know that would happen.
It’s not the fun kind of crazy where you get into some awesome hijinx and have something cool to tell your friends about after. It’s the other kind of crazy, where you have to list off what prescription drugs you’re on just to stay “normal”. Fortunately I don’t rely on prescription drugs, thanks to the fact I realize how addictive a personality I have.
But lately, things have not been well. I don’t consider it normal to wake up in the morning and have to convince yourself to go to work. With little encouraging sentences of “it’s just a day, keep yourself busy, it’ll be alright”. I don’t consider it normal that the first thing I want to do when I get home is cry. I don’t consider it normal that the only time I feel safe and happy is when I’m back in my apartment.
I never felt like this in Outlook. And I know it’s more than just “oh you need to get used to your new surroundings”. Easier said than done. I knew Outlook, it’s familiar to me. And it was beyond the fact I worked there for 9 years. I grew up there. I went to high school there. I know most of the people who live there. My parents know most of the people who live there. It wasn’t uncommon, even after living there for 9 years, to have someone come up to me on the street or in the grocery store and ask how my parents were doing.
But now, I feel very much alone. Sure, larger city, a lot more convenience, but it doesn’t feel like home yet.
And I feel like I’m failing at my job. I feel as though I’d have been better off in Outlook with half time hours.
God, I just wanna cry right now.