It’s been months since my last Zodi File. I just haven’t felt a need to write recently, but a lot has happened. I finally started to get my life on track and in order, even though it still rough, I’m getting there. Anyways, on to the Zodi file.
Recently I’ve done a lot of thinking about myself and the way I am. I realize while there is a lot traits I possess from my parents, I’m very different then the average young adult. I married young, had a child young. Both things my mother did. Though I divorced young too. I guess in a way you could say I was bored with the marriage. There are other issues with that that I do not wish to reveal but I was bored.
I have a tendency to get over thing rather quickly and I don’t think the way normal people do. When something would actually affect most average people, I probably shrug it off. It’s amusing, at least to me when people say something about what’s going on the world and ask me what I think. More times than not I don’t care. Things don’t easily affect me as they would others. At first I thought there was something wrong with me but then I realized that I’m just being me and being me doesn’t care about a lot things that don’t affect me right away.
A perfect example of this is when I was pregnant. I was excited I was pregnant but after about a month I was done. I wanted it to be over. I do not enjoy being pregnant. Do I want another child. Sure. But I would be happy to adopt just as well as give birth. I didn’t get all panicky or scared when it was time. I just knew. Perhaps it’s because my mom kept me well informed on such things or perhaps it’s my lack of interest in things. I don’t always understand me, but I know what I want.
Maybe I’m not normal, or maybe I’m just very very different. But either way people can’t really tell me what should affect me and what shouldn’t. There are people who try to tell me what I should be affected by, sometimes it works but for the most part, it doesn’t. A lot of the times they don’t understand why I can easily be bored by something or why I don’t think something is funny.
I suppose I could say that I was raised around adults, and that for most of my childhood, adult conversations were what I was around all the time. For the most part it’s true, I didn’t have a sibling until I was almost six and even then I wasn’t completely into the idea. As I grew up, I did what most girls do, and crushed heavily on male actors, listened to music and did my hair. Nina and I went through a lot of hair spray in our early teen years.
There were many things that I grew to dislike. People slowly became one of them. I was chased home and beaten up, eventually I just didn’t go outside. I couldn’t stand it. When I moved things changed and I began to alter who I was to fit in. I learned to like rock music and the goth scene, but I still felt very much outcasted. For the most part, I lost contact with those people and didn’t really care to pick it up again. At the end of my senior year, I made a point to make amends and just let sleeping dogs lay.
I realize now that if it wasn’t for the things in my past I wouldn’t be the way I am today. I’m not happy that somethings occurred, but I am grateful. It has shaped me to be me. I know that only I can change who I am, but if I’m comfortable then why should I have to change. Society isn’t going to have an impact on how I behave or why I do what I want when I want to. I’ve always been headstrong and strong willed. I don’t hesitate if I want something and usually I think about the consequences later.
Paris Hilton’s shoe collect won’t affect the what shoes I wear the next day because I know I can’t nor want to afford the contraptions that people think are sexy. Growing up I didn’t have name brand stuff. It hurt at times but now, I buy clothes that are cheap and comfortable. I understand the value of a dollar, took going food shopping with my old man to understand that. But I do have a tendency to be frivolous with my money. This gets in me to the hold sometimes and now I’m working on it to make sure I don’t end up rock bottom again.
I was married once and it was fun for a while. But I don’t want to be married, at least not any time soon. I had a child, when the labor and delivery was finally over, I was thankful, but I didn’t want to hold my child immediately. I wanted to roll over and sleep. I was happy that it was over, but I didn’t have an interest in my child until about 6 hours later when I held him for the second time. I didn’t want to put him down. Now he’s the center of my world. I do my best to give him everything he wants and more. It makes me realize that my parents went through hell and back so I could be a spoiled bitch at times. Electric, or rent was put off so that we could have a Christmas and they spent the whole year trying to catch up.
I’m thankful for that and even more thankful that my family has pulled through for me more than once. I guess it takes moving two states away to find a point of closeness with them. I thank them for everything and pray every night that everything is okay for them. It’s my parents who have made me the woman I am today. They helped to shape my beliefs and what I think is right and wrong. It baffles them at time when I do something different from the normal Zodi but they never push the issue.
Both of my parents understand that my son is mine, they also understand that what they may see isn’t acceptable I may just let him do any way for shock factor. But I know what I am doing, most times, this doesn’t stop me from asking for help, nor listening to advice from the older and wiser. Parents aren’t kidding when they say “been there done that.” At least mine aren’t.
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