A Part of Me

I’m bisexual.

According to wikipedia being bisexual means that there is a physical or sexual attraction to both sexes. This is very true. I like both men and woman. I have a preference for men, but still desire women at the same time.

Coming to terms with this and understand who I am wasn’t something I just decided to do when I was in high school. It goes way back to before I even knew what bisexual, or homosexual meant. I knew growing up that I was attracted to the female and male body. There was always something about it that made me want to explore more. I remember being little and one of my friends coming over and we would pretend we were strippers, or we played doctor. It’s human nature to be curious and want to see what is different between two peoples bodies.

My first girlfriend was Rachel. Granted we were thirteen, and nothing more than hold hands or the light kiss here and there. We were exclusive to each other. It was hard outside of school for us to see each other and of course back then people weren’t really keen on the LGB lifestyles as they are now. Two girls being with each other, well that was almost unheard of in middle school. So Rachel and I drifted apart.

I first told my mother I was bisexual when I was fourteen. She didn’t believe me. I still don’t think she does. But that’s probably my fault since I didn’t really bring my girlfriends home with me as anything more than girlfriends to hang out with. My mom met most of my girlfriends, but she assumed we were just close friends. At least that’s what I think.

The second girl I fell in love with, I am still in love with until this day. But her life choices have affected our friendship and we are no longer on speaking terms. She was my first “lesbian experience.” We were both scared. I’d like to think that she enjoyed herself as much I enjoyed being with her in such an intimate experience. She and I were on again off again over several years.

I had a few boyfriends, I can count on one hand how many of them lasted more than 2 weeks. The one that left me scorn the most was when I was dating a guy, told him I was bi, and introduced to him to my girlfriend. It was two short months after that that they both left me, for each other.

I made the decision that I wasn’t going to be bisexual anymore and I was only going to date guys. I was lying to myself and I knew it, but I didn’t want to be hurt the way the BF/GF relationship had hurt me. However, even though I swore I was only going to date guys, is when another girl waltzed into my life and left me breathless.

I wanted her in the worse way, and as it turned out I was technically single since my relationship was on line with a man who I eventually married and had a child with. She informed me she was bisexual and interested in me. Though, as it turned out, she was mentally unstable and single-handedly left my family life in ruins. Her father was just as unstable and had her committed for a while. It doesn’t make the experience with her any less special. It’s probably the only thing I still like her about. I won’t go into details about what she did to destroy the family life, but I will say that Jerry Springer would have had a field day.

Then I was back with female lover, by this time I was married and she just didn’t seem as into it. The feeling had changed for me as well. I loved her, but it was more of a sisterly bond so being intimate with her was just awkward. Eventually we just became good friends and now well now we just are.

These relationships never lasted more than a few months, something always seemed to get in the way. I had one person tell me “You aren’t bisexual, you are just bicurious.” I don’t believe this for the simple fact that I am attracted to both genders. I guess I just haven’t found “the one.” I will happily date a woman in place of a man and vice versa. Just never at the same time.

I told Tim a few nights ago that I thought the bisexual chapter of my life would be closed and never looked at again. This is only because it’s taking my heart a long time to repair itself from the lover I lost. Only with time will it heal, but I’m impatient, headstrong, and free spirited. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have a desire to be wanted and loved by everyone. Even though I know that it will never happen. So I put myself in places where I know people will like me and my personality.

Being bisexual isn’t a state of mind, I can’t just turn the page and forget it happened. It’s apart of who I am and I should be proud of that. But seeing what happens to Gays and Lesbians and their constant fight to just be accepted, I tend to stay in the shadows with my sexuality. There are things I just don’t want in my life. For example: “Uh hey, your bi, go hook up with that girl.” Yes I’m bi, no I’m not a toy.

I tell my boyfriends that I am bisexual, and every single one has told me “cool does that mean we get to have a threesome?” When I explain to them No, it doesn’t, that I only date one or other, they get sort of pouty and bummed about it. Does this rule a threesomes? For the most part yes, but this doesn’t mean it’s not possible in the future.

Relationships mean something to me, I don’t want or need one night stands. I also don’t want the ridicule of being bisexual. People freaked out when they discovered I practiced Wicca and called me a devil worshiper and all sorts of other names. Told me I was going to hell, and had a blast tormenting me when I told them I didn’t believe in heaven or hell. I learned real fast how to keep my mouth shut and become one of the silent children of the moon.

I could only imagine what they would have said if they discovered I was bisexual as well.

I’m still coming to terms with the fact, that yes I am bisexual and I always will be. But it’s something I want to deal with in my own way. This isn’t something I need a support group for, because frankly, some the LGB support groups out there, are scary in your faces type. I’m open, but not that open. I live in the start of the Bible belt of America, so it’s better for me to keep my mouth shut on certain things. Especially since my boyfriend’s father, grandfather and grandmother are all pastors. Talk about irony.

Keep it real and rockin’

The Part Time Lesbian

❤