Sometimes, because it’s topical, people will ask me…
“Did you watch the Oscars last night?”
To which I often reply.
“No, because I could find better entertainment watching lint in my belly button.”
Often the one who asked will get this offended look (I don’t know why, really, maybe it’s because I just derailed all the conversation by saying “no, I didn’t and I think it’s shit”), so to ease their imagined pain, I’ll continue on with…
“Okay, who won the big four?” The big four in question being Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Director and Best Movie.
Invariably,they’ll list off the winners, pointing to the movies that the actors, actresses and directors have been involved in, and always ask this one question…
“Did you see that?”
To which I’ll more often then not answer with…
“No, it didn’t look that interesting.”
Cue being offended again.
But in all seriousness, none of the movies really stood out for me. Argo and Zero Dark Thirty. One gives Canada a slight and both make those who live in the Middle East (and for the record, Pakistan is in South Asia) look all the more foolish. ”Let’s make another movie that makes (insert foreign people here) look like idiots and makes us look good”. Are we that starved for entertainment?
Life of Pi. Now you might think “well, Canadian author, lives in Saskatoon, you might like that, Tim”. I found Life of Pi a slog when I read the book, why the hell would I want to go through that again. Only this time, it’s a visual slog.
Les Mis. No. Just no. Oh yes, I know “but it’s historical, it’s about the French revolution”. First, why glorify the French one minute, then make fun of them later by saying they were a bunch of surrender monkeys (a term I’ve heard before). Second, no, it’s not about the French Revolution, that just happens to be the back drop. It’s about a police officer who is obsessive compulsive and can’t stop thinking about this guy who stole a loaf of bread. Yeah, sure, I know there’s deeper meanings than that, but in the end, it’s about a cop that just won’t let a case die.
“Lincoln’s history, it’s about a point in history, you like that”. Yes. I like reading about historical events. Key word: READING. Lincoln was just as much made up fiction as any other movie out there. And to be honest, I’ve read my history, Lincoln didn’t give one fuck for black people. Freeing the slaves was just the end result of crushing the economic power of the south because the south had all these slaves working for nothing. So there was no “all people must be equal” because that never took place until the last few years. And even then, it still hasn’t happened. All Lincoln did was make the Confederacy’s stock market come crashing down by making it so there could be no human trafficking any more.
Django Unchained. Don’t even mention that it takes place during the Civil War “which is what you wrote about in Black Mask & Pale Rider”. Yes, the time period is the same, but there’s a major difference. My book had elves. Django Unchained was a slavery revenge movie. Also, QT has fallen out of favour with me as of late, because I’ve grown to realize he’s a bit of a dickhead. That’s right, he’s a dickhead. It’s cringe worthy watching him go on an interview show that has a panel of intervierers who are all black, and QT starts trying to sound black when he’s answering. Your white. And amazingly enough, QT, you’re white than I am. That’s a really hard thing to do, because I’m really white. And I think it’s inappropriate to try to sound black. Why? Maybe it’s because I’m not black, as I previously mentioned. Because I’m white. And shockingly, QT, so are you. It doesn’t sound cool or edgy when you do it, it just makes you sound like a twat.
Armour. No clue what it’s about. Silver Linings Playbook. Couldn’t care less. Or rather, I couldn’t care more, because as David Mitchell has said, saying couldn’t care less means there’s something that you can indeed care less about.
The only movies at the Oscars that I saw were Brave, Paranorman and Wreck-It Ralph. Because they entertained me. They took me away for a little while and made me feel good. Brave had a wonderful story, a girl who wanted to do her own thing, and it was Pixar so it had incredible visuals. Paranorman had the amazing stop motion affects, an interesting plot, and a twist where you found out the zombies were actually just wanting to chuck it all and finally rest. No brain eating for them. Wreck-It Ralph took me back to some of my old arcade playing experiences when I was younger. So there was a lot of nostalgia in that movie for me.
But those three movies removed me from reality for a brief amount of time and I was able to be entertained.
As for Beasts of the Southern Wild… I’m on the wait list at the local video rental store to watch it.
As for Seth MacFarlane… he can suck a bag of dicks. He’s crude, not funny, racist, sexist and the only thing he has going for him is that he’s a white guy, so he gets into all the best parties just for that. Which is complete bullshit.
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