Brent Hamilton has a good point in his most recent rant on the differences between East and West, and to an extent between daily and weekly newspapers and even the internet. I present to you his argument. Now, just watch out for Zombies. Brent Hamilton, by the way, is a Saskatchewan based columnist and baseball expert. He can dissect a game on the diamond with precision and knows the ins and outs of the history of the grand ol’ game. From the White Sox to the Red Sox, Bull Duram and the Jays and everything in between.
Who needs newspapers anyway? Today I have read that if Zombies attack Canada we have no possible chance of survival and that our digested flesh will fertilize the ground for zombie plants to flourish. I always had heard that protein was the worst thing that you could compost with? Eggshells and plant clippings but not livers poisoned with six decades of single malt scotch abuse…but are these new Zombies?
Do they not only chew on us like Vibank beef jerky but also soak up some unknown super powers from the soil that is overflowing with our defiled corpses and then draw strength from the rotting process that is somehow likened to an osmosis style of fermentation that fuels their lust for zombie munchies? Sympatico is like the info from the Walkerton News – only more current and not so heavily edited by a narcissistic editor with a mind too focused on his own lust for a journalistic junk pile and his version of “real news”. How terribly unfair of Sympatico to suggest such a travesty? Let alone the vaunted Walkerton News?? The bottom line is that we are indeed very removed from the rest of the confederacy-until we shut off the oil. When they come weeping for gasoline we can discuss what it is to be a nation and when they whine about their Leafs we can tell them about Balsillie and how Hamilton happens to rhyme with my own mane.
How foolish of this rag’s news boss to not intervene what with his famed genius? Help me. Help him. He always made me think of Stephen Hawking. It might be time to adjust my Internet home page to steer clear of such doom and simply read the infantile ramblings of the Walkerton paper for the definitive coverage on flesh eating monsters from the realm of the un-dead. I defer to the experts on dead news. Here’s to the head zombie. You know who you are. In the words of all of us uninformed Western nitwits, we pray for Walkerton to save us. In other words we are doomed to the words of these fools. I say “these fools”: in a general sense because I KNOW that the enterprise is crammed full of talent and character. You would have hoped that such a prominent editor would be in tune with the invasion of the walking dead?
It has come to my attention that the news from the desks of our supposed brethren from Upper Canada contains all of the critical information that not only defies the Tsunami of Internet bulletins but also organizes it into legible journalism that even us Western hillbillies can disseminate. We should line up to thank them in person except for the obvious exposure to attacking Zombies. I personally would die to get my point across.
Despite all of my hero worship of our glorious National media coverage- what in the love of the baby Jesus do they know about Zombies or the fact that the West has been laid to waste by bleary eyed pancreas eating monsters? Do they know or ever care about the voting process involved in the award of the Hank Aaron Trophy and more importantly, do they even comprehend what this precious accolade might involve? Get focused people. Ontario is not the Universe and today-for me-it has become a black hole. Do you know about sports or just the laughable Jays and Leafs? Of course this is not about brain dead zombies-unless we are speaking about a certain someone. We know about the issue.
It’s not about Zombies or baseball-it’s about the Internet and the self promoting high profile publications that deny the input of the local scribe that digs out the dirt that matters to YOUR community. It often occurs to me that the Nation’s daily publications simply defer to the Associated Press or Reuters or the devil Internet to fill their pages in a shortcut to providing the real news. It’s a terminal disease folks. Without writers that care about your town and then take the time to research the values and concerns of what affects your day to day life, then we are all doomed to a pitiful existence of tabloid garbage that we can buy for less loot than the Walkerton News for instance. It turns out the only zombie is in Walkerton and is employed as an egomaniac described to me directly as the voice of reason for Ontario journalism. Poor Ontario.
In almost every case, talented local columnists are very hard working dedicated and creative writers that are hamstrung by editors that are too often corporate lackeys and sycophants that serve and protect their own positions to supply what you think that you want to read. It is my first hand experience to unfold the truth to you valuable readers that out here in the Wild West, the truth-the news and the sports will be told whether the East likes it or not. There is no denying that our local editors and publishers must accommodate news that pertains to their local interests and anything beyond those parameters only wastes ink. But in the end we are one- and we defy the voice of a specific Eastern editor that considers us to be irrelevant and unworthy. We are not the Internet or the computer replica of the Associated Press and we belong on your kitchen table while we heat our homes with the rest of the papers from the likes of the waste of paper from the likes of the Walkerton Press. Our news is what counts and the rest of what we truly need to know we can easily garner from better sources than folks that consider us beneath them. We learn what we need to know and we discard the rest. The marvelous and talented of my mentors and editors of the weekly papers that indulge my thoughts only do so to satisfy your deserving tastes of the world’s news and sports as you need to know it. Nothing more, nothing less and only what is worthy news.
From Fort Murray to Indian Head and everywhere in between we thank our local publications for their efforts and honest reporting.
Brent Hamilton
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